Why can't you write/speak proper?

I enjoyed watching the cricket over the summer, especially because the Australians regained the ashes in a glorious clean sweep. But that enjoyment was severely curtailed by the network’s terminal indecision about how to express simple english sentences. Occasionally (but only very occasionally, unfortunately) they got it right: “Australia leads by 300 runs”. But more often than not they screwed it up: “Australia need 3 wickets”, or “Australia are batting”.

Let’s make it perfectly clear, Nine: The Australian cricket team is a team. Singular. Referring to “Australia” as a plural is wrong. All references should be in the singular. Here are the correct phrases:

“Australia leads by …”

“Australia is …”

“Australia needs …”

If you want to refer to the members of the team, then use a personal collective, like “What the English batsmen need is …” (not “What England need …”).

The unfortunate thing is, because these mistakes are so public and the networks are (erroneously) seen as authorities, these mistakes take traction and are perpetuated by those that view these networks. So the mistakes grow, and more people use the language incorrectly. Yet again, I offer my professional services to the networks to assist them in improving the language skills of their on-air talent and super writers.

Unfortunately, even those writing the text that appeared on the big scoreboard got it wrong. In fact, even though Nine got it right occasionally, the scoreboard guys got it consistently wrong – at EVERY ground! Cricket Australia needs to take that one up.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I get the worst spam on this blog. I wouldn’t mind so much if they actually wrote something I could understand, but mostly it’s just like a string of random words. Someone seriously needs to get a new translator app. Check out some of the crap from just this week:

• “I was looking at few of your blog notifys on this internet scene moreover I visualize this texture scene is rattling instructive!” [WTF???]
• “Your home is valueble for me. Thanks!” [What does my home have to do with this blog? And the word is spelled ‘valuable’.]
• “Your favorite justification seemed to be on the net the easiest thing to be aware of. “ [Huh?]
• “this post shows the information which is close to standard. convincing way of expression due to that reason your post become so informative.”[Say what?]
• “many thanks for your ideas on this, I felt somewhat strike by this text. Merit again! You make a good moment. Portrays natures best by the great report here. I feel if more people thought of it like this, they’d have got a better time period have the suspend ofing the issue. [and again – WTF?]

Come on spammers. If you’re going to spam a weblog dedicated to the correct use of the english language, couldn’t you at least write something that makes sense? If not, just F**K OFF.

Turns out poor old Aunty isn’t the only one that can’t get it right. Just tonight on Channel Seven’s “Today Tonight” I heard this clanger:

“… his entire fleet are equipped with cameras.”

What a moron. You’d think a highly paid, fully qualified journalist would get it right. The key object in that phrase is the noun “fleet”, which is singular. Therefore it should have read:

“… his entire fleet is equipped with cameras.”

Now I know “Today Tonight” is hardly the pinnacle of good journalism or quality writing, but this is so simple people! Get it right!

It’s a sad state of affairs that is only growing. Sports reporters have been doing it for ages, but it seems their poor grammar is spreading. For instance, for many years we’ve been listening to rubbish like:

 “Australia are leading …”

Seriously? Even if you’re referring to a sporting team that is a collection of many, the team itself is STILL singular – it’s one team. You should be saying:

“Australia is leading … “

Honestly, people. It’s almost time to start calling out the masses to riot in the streets. Get it right!

I can’t believe what I just heard on our dear Aunty.

“Winds coming down from the artic …”

I’m sorry … from where?

It’s the ARCTIC people!!!!! There’s a whole consonant in there you’re missing. So let’s practice this one:

“Winds from the Arctic … Arctic ….ARCTIC.”

And just for good measure, try “Antarctic” too, and make sure you don’t miss the first C in THAT one!!

Lift your game Aunty.

This blog gets a hell of a lot of spam comments. I spend hours scanning and deleting that crap.

But here is something really, REALLY annoying. This is a blog about correct and proper use of the english language – spelling, grammar, syntax, etc. Yet the spammers are some of the worst writers I’ve encountered – so they’re certainly not endearing themselves to me with their poor writing. I mean, I doubt I’d let any of them actually get published, but if they can’t even write properly they stand absolutely no chance.

Check out this prize contribution (no doubt courtesy of some extremely bad translating software):

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Starting today and over and above the next not many days, we’re changing the placement of the maiden thumbnail sketch parade for sure ads that appear mainly the search results on Google. In favour of some ads where each procession appears to be a well-defined decision and ends in the dignified punctuation, description tailback 1 resolution be moved to the headline and separated through a hyphen. As a consequence, some acme array ads hand down procure longer headlines. Here’s an example:

We’ve found that the modulate results in higher clickthrough rates after ads that are shown with the longer headline, as well as other excellent ads that show up wits them. It also creates a more advisedly judgement as a replacement for users by highlighting more data in the ad.

While not some ads whim be shown with the longer headline, you can further your chances past ensuring that each line of your ad appears to be a distinct determination and ends in the seemly punctuation (e.g., a aeon or a topic assess).

Since this is a worldwide change, punctuation will reshape alongside country.

WTF?!?!?!?!?

Apart from making absolutely no sense, it has quite a few oddities. Like a mix of American and English spelling (optimize and favourite).

Honestly, you spamming pricks. I’m sick of getting your spam posted as potential comments on my blog. But I’m even more annoyed when you post utter, senseless, unintelligible CRAP like this.

Go away and leave me (and my blog) alone!!!

People in the corporate world seem to love making themselves sound important. Often they do this by dropping names, inserting large (often inappropriate) words into their sentences, or just behaving like a knob. Alas, they also seem to do this by making up new, ludicrous, but pseudo-important-sounding phrases. If you’ve ever been in a corporate meeting or presentation and played the old game of “Bullshit Bingo”, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.

The current phrase-of-the-day that seems to be making the rounds of the corporate world these days makes me cringe and scream every time I hear it. One of these days I’m just going to be forced to punch someone out.

“Going forward” (aka “Moving forward”)

Here’s an example: “This will be a critical strategy going forward.”

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!

One – it means NOTHING!

Two – it adds NOTHING!

Three – 99 times out of 100 it is TOTALLY REDUNDANT!!

That sentence above would have had just as much impact and meant just as much either without the extra wordage, or with something as simple and far more meaningful as “for our future”. Alas, I’m hearing it several times a day lately, and I fear any reaction on my part now will risk the ongoing viability of my employment.

So please help me: If you hear this phrase, if you are witness to it in a meeting or presentation, then COUGH LOUDLY, or SNEEZE LOUDLY, and under that distracting sound mutter “BINGO!” Hopefully, together, we will eradicate this latest lunacy from our language!